making love to my tonic and gin

Quit your crying. I didnt forget about you. But did you forget about me? Isn't that the one thing on everyones mind...me me me. Go fuck yourself. That is such a twisted thing to think about, but yet it is all we think about. Ourselves. It's so hard to break that stride. Pretty much impossible. Someone weird and annoying once told me that every single human act is selfish. We help people because it makes US feel better about ourselves. Well....damnnnn. Im sorry but it's very true. I wish I could help the little Africans who have never had enough food. But it feels like I cant. And most of us never even gain knowledge on their situations. It's hard to think about and never be able to change. (wow dust in the wind just came on pandora......how fucked up....i close my eyes. only for a moment then the moments gone) But I guess that's the point. To find something you think you can't do, and then do it. Prove yourself wrong. Be THAT person. I wish I could and hope I can. But meanwhile I'll sit here and plan what i'll be drinking later tonight and plan what i'll tell my parents when they ask me where I am. I'll plan all these things and then think about the day when I look back and say 'wow....boy was i _____' and then i'll fill in the blank. Because right now I cant fill it. Am I lucky? Am I immature? Am I spoiled, selfish, unappreciative, ignorant? Am I sheltered? Am I stupid, an asshole, or just a teenager? All these things cross my mind and I swat them away with that flimsy plastic fly swatter I kill all my victims with. They die a pointless death. Their life meaning nothing to anyone except themselves. Is that me? Is that you? How sad and pointless. Maybe they should have tried to better things. Poop on fucking plants and help them grow instead of bothering me. Im that fly right now, and all I ever do is bother my parents. I cant stand it. I want so badly to flip a switch and just be mature, understand what they expect from me. But I truly can not understand it. They want exactly what I cant give them. Isnt that the way it goes. I refuse to be home all the time, and that is what they want. I want to have as much fun as I can, and they despise that about me. Oh well. Alls well that ends well. I'll listen to my Elton John knowing that my mom loves him as well, and I will never bring him up in a conversation because that would give us something in common. Is that not what I am running from? Something in common with them? I dont want it. But I do. I guess I want them to be more similar to me. But they will never turn in to me, all I can hope is that I slowly do not turn in to them. Im fucked.