i've gotta get out from inside my head

So I spent one month of days which i'll refer to as my 'real' summer and one month of an unreality in which i can not explain the lack of 'summer' involved. Its funny how crazy everyone gets about happiness and how even when we're not really happy we think we are. Well, almost always. Like June was this blur of nights and days spent in the sun and in cars on gravel roads where smoke filled the air and my memory gets hazy. But we thought of great things and were really happy with ourselves. We enjoyed our adventures because they were new and still held this innocence about them just as I held a piece wrapped delicately in my fingers. So careful not to fumble and fuck up the moment.

July, on the left hand, was different. I cant tell you what I did, when I did it, how it happened, or why. I felt like I occasionally worked, and I felt like I occasionally partied. But isn't that how it goes? Once you start to repeat yourself, nothing feels as special. Then you run. You lay in bed and twist back and forth thinking of what to do next, sick of the present. You laugh at the people that have brought this moment to you and you wish back the time spent with those that live miles down the road. You run to them and just understand that the grass is always greener where you can never be. Because once you're there your fucking memory has already made the grass back home, or the grass in Madison, or wherever so beautifully green that your reality can never live up to the green of your memory.

And then it's August, maybe not today, but tomorrow. And after a month in which you checked out, listened to music, escaped, read a book, did anything to prevent yourself from facing the boredom that surrounds you...you are ready for summer to start again. You are ready to cruise, to party, to do anything to prevent yourself from checking out ever again. Anything to prevent yourself from getting restless. You dont miss or wish. You just enjoy. And watch as your parents get breakfast ready. Watch as your family laughs at everything and hates nothing. Watch as your friends talk shit and make a pizza. But then you stop watching, and you start laughing. You start talking shit and you eat your pizza. And that is life. Its not the watching or worrying about the grass. And you try sooooo hard, harder than you have ever tried, to hold on to this feeling...knowing that in less than a month it will only be the green of your memory.