hence the pillows

Lets get back to business.
Down and dirty.
Up and adam.

So i was like...at this party last night...and like...it was sooo crazy. Hahahaha. Fuck my life. Anyway. This boy in a typical 'this is my room and im going to put pillows on the floor and have random people sit on them while smoking hooka' atmosphere told me this idea of two types of happiness. Happiness in the moment, present, enjoying yourself as you are right now. And happiness in memory. I think that is a very simple concept. This is a situation in which someone has said something so simple that you feel like it was unnecessary to even say. But you look at him and hear "wow that is such a cool thing to think about" come out of your lying mouth. You bastard. Tell the truth. Look at him and say -Loser. Get up off your pillow. Dance mother fucker! Dance!

I met him and he had facial hair and drank coffee and lemon liqueur and talked the talk so i thought hell, might as well walk the walk. He was the guy that said "I might touch you as I lean over quickly but try not to think im coming on to you". And I like when people say things like that. Because honestly, If he hadn't warned me. I would have thought he was coming on to me. And to tell the whole truth, I still thought that. And it's not like I think to myself 'goddamnit. If i werent me. I would come on to me. I love me.' I just moreso think that some people want a little boom chicka wa wa. And some people want a little conversation. Im a conversationalist. So dont lean over in to me. I'll fucking freak out and become super uncomfortable. Which makes things hard because Im normally slightly uncomfortable in most situations. Until im drunk or high or just over it. I can get over it. But initial feelings of love and warmth in a room are important. Hence the pillows. Nice call, lean over and not come on to me boy. Clever trick.

i've gotta get out from inside my head

So I spent one month of days which i'll refer to as my 'real' summer and one month of an unreality in which i can not explain the lack of 'summer' involved. Its funny how crazy everyone gets about happiness and how even when we're not really happy we think we are. Well, almost always. Like June was this blur of nights and days spent in the sun and in cars on gravel roads where smoke filled the air and my memory gets hazy. But we thought of great things and were really happy with ourselves. We enjoyed our adventures because they were new and still held this innocence about them just as I held a piece wrapped delicately in my fingers. So careful not to fumble and fuck up the moment.

July, on the left hand, was different. I cant tell you what I did, when I did it, how it happened, or why. I felt like I occasionally worked, and I felt like I occasionally partied. But isn't that how it goes? Once you start to repeat yourself, nothing feels as special. Then you run. You lay in bed and twist back and forth thinking of what to do next, sick of the present. You laugh at the people that have brought this moment to you and you wish back the time spent with those that live miles down the road. You run to them and just understand that the grass is always greener where you can never be. Because once you're there your fucking memory has already made the grass back home, or the grass in Madison, or wherever so beautifully green that your reality can never live up to the green of your memory.

And then it's August, maybe not today, but tomorrow. And after a month in which you checked out, listened to music, escaped, read a book, did anything to prevent yourself from facing the boredom that surrounds you...you are ready for summer to start again. You are ready to cruise, to party, to do anything to prevent yourself from checking out ever again. Anything to prevent yourself from getting restless. You dont miss or wish. You just enjoy. And watch as your parents get breakfast ready. Watch as your family laughs at everything and hates nothing. Watch as your friends talk shit and make a pizza. But then you stop watching, and you start laughing. You start talking shit and you eat your pizza. And that is life. Its not the watching or worrying about the grass. And you try sooooo hard, harder than you have ever tried, to hold on to this feeling...knowing that in less than a month it will only be the green of your memory.

cigarettes & coffee. broken hearts & being lonely. little girls & ponies.

A boy trying to be wise like a grandfather or Dumbledore once said that he'd heard 'youth is wasted on the young'. We thought about it for a little while as the car drove on, and we decided to agree. But now Im not sure. He also said that he would ask himself what he would regret not trying while he was young. I thought it was strange to think in such a way. But I guess he's organized while im messy. Its funny when you can tell that someone has heard something before, liked it, and decided to repeat it. Like how this boy just said 'youth is wasted on the young' ...he gave credit to the person although he wasnt sure who the person was. Some people dont give credit. I hardly give credit because I can never remember that it wasnt I who thought of it. Or I just assume that people know Im too dumb to think of things so great, if they are great to that person at all. Another example of this lack of credit given is the other day a girl said 'there is a difference between being dirty and messy.' and i thought that was wise. Im very messy. But im very clean. She said the same. I guess no one admits to being dirty. but we all want to be messy so that we seem 'chill' and 'relaxed'. I HATE when people say they are 'chill'. Ha what a boring term. Chill means boring and lazy. Chill means that when a fly is buzzing around you, it doesnt even annoy you, because youre brain is too dull to let it. I hate 'chill'.

I just got super annoyed the other day of all this 'new' music. People are always trying so hard to 'discover' music. And then they (i) try so hard to make sure everyone knows THEY (i) discovered it first. Nothing is ever for enjoyment. Its always for what other people think. I just want to listen to old music that everyone already knows is great so that i dont have to worry about what other people think. I can just know that it was once great, and that will be enough. Im so sick of people trying so hard to be the newest and most recent form of amazing. The best people are the ones that like what they truly enjoy and dont give in to fads. They can change. Everyone changes. They can make discoveries, and be bored of who they once were. But they do it to find more beauty, not to sit and impress everyone.

One more thing - e e cummings said that it takes courage to mature (here i go...trying to give credit) and i've thought about that a lot lately. I think im ready to be a tad more courageous.

making love to my tonic and gin

Quit your crying. I didnt forget about you. But did you forget about me? Isn't that the one thing on everyones mind...me me me. Go fuck yourself. That is such a twisted thing to think about, but yet it is all we think about. Ourselves. It's so hard to break that stride. Pretty much impossible. Someone weird and annoying once told me that every single human act is selfish. We help people because it makes US feel better about ourselves. Well....damnnnn. Im sorry but it's very true. I wish I could help the little Africans who have never had enough food. But it feels like I cant. And most of us never even gain knowledge on their situations. It's hard to think about and never be able to change. (wow dust in the wind just came on pandora......how fucked up....i close my eyes. only for a moment then the moments gone) But I guess that's the point. To find something you think you can't do, and then do it. Prove yourself wrong. Be THAT person. I wish I could and hope I can. But meanwhile I'll sit here and plan what i'll be drinking later tonight and plan what i'll tell my parents when they ask me where I am. I'll plan all these things and then think about the day when I look back and say 'wow....boy was i _____' and then i'll fill in the blank. Because right now I cant fill it. Am I lucky? Am I immature? Am I spoiled, selfish, unappreciative, ignorant? Am I sheltered? Am I stupid, an asshole, or just a teenager? All these things cross my mind and I swat them away with that flimsy plastic fly swatter I kill all my victims with. They die a pointless death. Their life meaning nothing to anyone except themselves. Is that me? Is that you? How sad and pointless. Maybe they should have tried to better things. Poop on fucking plants and help them grow instead of bothering me. Im that fly right now, and all I ever do is bother my parents. I cant stand it. I want so badly to flip a switch and just be mature, understand what they expect from me. But I truly can not understand it. They want exactly what I cant give them. Isnt that the way it goes. I refuse to be home all the time, and that is what they want. I want to have as much fun as I can, and they despise that about me. Oh well. Alls well that ends well. I'll listen to my Elton John knowing that my mom loves him as well, and I will never bring him up in a conversation because that would give us something in common. Is that not what I am running from? Something in common with them? I dont want it. But I do. I guess I want them to be more similar to me. But they will never turn in to me, all I can hope is that I slowly do not turn in to them. Im fucked.

full of it

I crack under pressure. Like a hairy old man leaning over (eek). No lie. That is my single flaw. I cant handle stress. So I just do whatever I can to not be in a position as such. Or...I tell myself not to worry. Therefore, little worries me. I recall my dear roommate Rachel making lists. And I thought this was strange. But...I finally understand that this is her way of simplifying. I, on the other hand, just forget things. I figure if I forget them they could never have been very important. I also crack when I can't spend a nice amount of time daydreaming. If I dont have time during the day, I cant fall asleep for atleast two hours because I just stare at the ceiling and imagine.

But the real point Im trying to make is that some people excel under pressure. (good for them...assholes) My cousins are literally studs at basketball. Clay has made game winning shots more than once, and Cole can fuck anyone up if they're trying to stop his team from winning. Hahahaha then I think of the two times I failed to win the game for my team by missing free throws. Great. The night before the ACT I couldnt sleep and I got so angry I bawled. I would skip school if I had a hard test. Bout had a breakdown when I took my drivers test. (Failed the permit the first time). Fled the scene when I hit a mailbox. And dont really give a damn when my parents call me out on something, why stress about that?

more baileys. less coffee. please.

If you've been around me at all within the last month you'll already know my whole 'edge of the universe' thought process, and that I cant stand it in a good way. I CANT help it. I'll stare in to the sky with fascination. And then i'll start saying how we're only on the 'crust' of this ball floating between stars in the galaxy. The sun is just a nearby star. I love that. I cant help it. If im drunk. Or high. Or even sober. I can just sit down with a Hummers tire to my back (my friends freaking out looking for me) and stare. Which brings me to another subject. It's a funny weird good feeling when people notice you're gone. The night that I was just sitting by Jons hummer some people were looking for me, and it just felt good. You know? Like you're important somehow. That's nothing to be ashamed of. When I was finishing my finals week Jon called me and told me it didnt feel like summer without me. Maybe thats not true. But sometimes I forget to say things like that to people. But it really is important to remember. Because things like that go a long way.



There's nothing I enjoy more than a rainy day at the golf course, CMT's top twenty countdown, taking an hour to clean and then knowing NOTHING is in store for the rest of the day besides getting wasted later. What a life I tell you.



One more thing: Between watching Vh1, checking facebook, reading What is the What, sitting outside, Kinz visiting, Jon visiting, Kinz and Jon visiting together, Kinz calling me, Kinz coming back, making Kinz lime drinks, and occasionally helping a customer... i have run across a few 'situations'. Old people that have lost 'touch'. Bitter. Or alone. Dont let that be me.

And another thing...i miss you. I most likely love you. And it'd be great to see you soon.

trickery with slickery

What would my heaven consist of? I'll tell you. There would be countless numbers of puppies. Everyone could have as many as they wanted. They wouldnt be held back by a leash because it's heaven, and they could do as they want as well. All their shit falls to earth. I would have my creek that runs through my farm running everywhere. But if you wanted to cross, you could walk across without fearing that your feet would get wet. Maybe your feet would be wet, but nobody wears shoes in my heaven so nobody fears little things like wet shoes. Everyone is the 'type' of person they want to be. It doesnt seem like anyone is that 'type' on earth because nobody really knows what the 'type' is. Jack Johnson is following me around with a guitar, singing unchained melodies to me. I am always holding someones hand unless im running. And the hand is never timid or too small or too fat or big. It just fits.

One more final and I'm done with my freshmen year of college. That is one of those sentences where you can't just type 'freshmen year' or 'this year' or 'this semester'. You have to type it all. Everything. 'Freshmen year of college.' Im not ready to go home. Im not ready to have my parents try to tell me what to do. Im too immature to handle that. I dont want to say goodbye. I like being where I am. When the summer ends I'll want to stay at home. Maybe.

if i lay here. if i just lay here.

When I was sixteen, nope make that fifteen, I rode around in a Durango with two really amazing people. We did that a lot. Fifteen. Woah. Im only eighteen now, so i dont know why fifteen sounds so scary and long ago, but it does. Doesnt it? I remember a lot of the things we did, but I specifically remember one night. It was New Years Eve, and Jon hadn't moved in to his new house yet. Every single person that drank was at this girls house partying. And we weren't. Those were the days where an invitation to that would have been 1) a joke 2) a miracle 3) nonexistent. I miss those days. I'm spoiled in that I can say I'm sick of being invited to things like that. I miss the days when the three of us would instead call Levi and he would bring over three Sparks and the remaining fourth of his Vodka. And we would party. I wouldn't be able to walk after three shots. (shots that were mixed with three diet dews). Diet Dew reminds me of Josh, which is a whole different fifteen year old subject.

Anyway...we spent that new years riding around in Jon's Durango. It was snowing that sticky snow that excites all the kids and scares all the parents. Mine called and made sure I was at Kinzees. Yep. (Jon......turn down the radio). I miss that so much. The one moment that I will never forget was when the song 'chasing cars' came on. Really great song. A slow motion, reminiscent song. We started doing donuts down a side street, and we were spinning in slow motion as the song played. That is EXACTLY how I feel right now. A slow excitement and fear for summer and everything that it will bring. A fear for the end of freshmen year, one step closer to having nothing going for me.

my choice is what i choose to do

I think i may need this old train to breakdown. Yep, I really need to take a little walk around. Did you know there wasnt time? Yeah, thats because times a melody. Oh please just, let me please breakdown. (The wisdoms in the trees not the glass windows. You cant stop wishing if you dont let go)

Im tired. Really tired. That 'I need to keep going, but i'll take a little break to take a nap, smoke a bowl, watch a little movie, and then sleep some more' type of tired. The type of tired that makes you do things that just make you more tired. Like looking at old pictures, listening to good music, and talking to great friends. Those things make you tired. They make you sigh. They make a really mushy, comfy, feather filled blanket look like heaven. They make you think of being little, im always thinking about being little. Im always wanting a little more innocence. Even if its a lie. Maybe im lying sometimes, but i just want to be innocent. Maybe im lying to myself, and I really am innocent. Maybe we'll never really grow up and we'll be those weird adults that our teenage kid's friends talk about behind their back, and they are embarrassed of. I guess we'll see its a blessing, its not a curse. God I love Andy. He just walks in..."Lets look at some really bitchy magazines. Do you have any?" Haha. And then he starts talking shit about people who study too much. We agreed that the more we study, the more we dont give a shit. We would rather stare at the wall than study anymore. At what point can you just say 'fuck it' and just enjoy your life?

If you dont like my fire, then dont come around. Because im gonna burn one down.

i dont even know if im tired

As a little group of boys and I were wandering to the woods last eve, we started talking aloud. The best sentence ever was spoken, and it goes something like, "My life is perfect." Or..."I dont think my life could get any better." Or both. And it's funny, because all of us agreed. Completely. It wasnt an opinion so much as an obvious fact. I cant help but think that I'll look back at this specific moment in time (these last couple of months) and think DAMMMMMNNNNN, i had it good. And i'll always want these feelings back. But hopefully there will always be new feelings to experience. I think we all love our lives a lot. And its maybe annoying when someone that you dont like that much goes on and on about how great there life is. But if you dont like hearing about my life, you shouldnt be reading this.

I am surrounded by great people who want me to be great. They wont force me in to anything. They'll let me do EXACTLY what I want. I dont think i realize how rare that is. But believe me, I know how lucky I am. I love where im at and I love the people who are here with me. And not just physically, I love all the people that are always with me. Im just happy. And finals, a broken down virus infected computer, and lack of sleep wont change that.

two hometown hearts. up against the world.

Well it feels like we're living from paycheck to check. And we wake up wondering what might happen next. Yeah, sometimes it feels like we wont maek it through. But the hard times pass like the good ones do. Baby wrap your fingers. And hold on tight. I'll be right here beside you tonight. BABY climb up here, watch the city glow. We'll make a wish on the fireworks below. We're making moments that we wont forget. We fill in ones that havent happened yet. Woaaaah dont be afraid. We cant forget that these are the days.



Freshmen year. One week left. I never thought it would end. You never remember that things end. You know? It just doesnt seem possible. Once you get used to something. You never remember that it'll end. I just heard the song keg in the closet and about cried. That song has always been great. But, as I think back to this last weekend I remember literally looking at an old box of pizza on andy and evans floor. They ate it for breakfast or something. You know that obsessively updated photo album of mine on facebook? The one called TA DA? There was this one picture that says 'you dont have to describe it. you just need to feel it' I cant stand how great that is. I cant tell you how I feel. Humans have an infinite capacity for new knowledge, words, language but we dont have an infinite amount of time. Thats the best thing that could ever happen to us though. Think of how awful the world would be if nobody died. So it goes.

I'll never be able to correctly blog or justify freshmen year. I feel like second semester was a year all in itself. I have met some of the greatest people in my life. I have had more fun than i should have (literally............literally). I'll never be able to define it. I havent changed or found myself or made a difference. At times Ive maybe thought that I had. But I havent. Ive just.................lived. Felt so alive. Felt great and happy. Its not that I dont want to go home for the summer. I just literally want time to stop. Pause. Maybe even rewind a little. Things will never be the same. Scary. But the one thing this year has shown me is that things have a way of getting better and better. Maybe as you grow up a little more you learn to appreciate things a little more.

we can all use magic

Favorite Disney Movie? THE Lion King.

It has everything. Most Disney movies do. But who doesnt enjoy watching two cats nuzzle eachothers necks? Umm...I cant think of anyone. Narnia. I loved Narnia. Still do. My dad taught that book in his class so I had read it three times before actually getting to his fourth grade English class. I loved it. And then, (haha) (then) Harry fucking Potter. Woaaaah. I used to read that book to my brothers. I can picture it. My family used to live in Preston, before we moved to amish country. And we would sit on our shitty purple carpet and I would read. They would want a turn ... UM helllll no. Its my voice or nothing. And then I would annoy the shit out of them by using a 12 year old British accent.

And then you grow a little. You dont really read books like that too often, or watch those movies, because now youre reading Nicholas Sparks and watching romantic comedies. or dramas. Thats your new escape. You want that little Taylor Swift fairy tale. That love is your newmagic. You still read the Harry Potter books as they come out because you cant control it. You cant control that literal magic (youre a muggle after all), but you think you can control your love life. So when you read HP, you feel good because you cant feel anything else. When you watch those love stories play out you can feel good, and then you can also want to open a bottle of baby aspirin while cursing those damn happy endings. How fucking ridiculous. Thats not how it works. I look at REAL couples that surround me and I see how they have to work, give and take take take. Most of the time being torn between not wanting to be alone and wanting to get it over with. Blah. Gross. Ew. Or maybe im just jealous? :)

steal some covers, share some skin

Im all about those damn 'live in this fucking moment' quotes. I love that inspirational shit. But why is it that the only (not the only, just the majority) (or maybe it just enhances my ability) time i let my locked down desires free is when im intoxicated. Fuck my abnormally high BAC. Fuck my confidence. My lack of understanding of social cues. Fuck me. Sideways. With sandpaper. Oh wait.....every time i drink i do that anyway. Yes, I masterbate with sandpaper sideways when drunk. NO you fuck, im talking about my ability to ACCOST any good looking person when drunk. Haha. Its actually kind of funny. When the person lets you grab their face, tell them they're beautiful, and allows you to walk away without slapping you across the face. Thats......love. No that just makes me an idiot and you a perfect perfect being.

Even as I walked on I didnt know what I was thinking. Mifflin 2010. And THATS the moment that is stuck in my head. Well, its better than other things ive done. We will fall in love for two weeks. We will wake up early to eat banana pancakes smothered in thick maple syrup. And we'll blow a little in to our coffee when it's too hot.

Paint a picture with my hands. And back and forth we sway like branches in a storm. Okay fuck it, we'll go to bed too high. We'll drink our tea, knowing only one pack is left. That bothers us. All out of REFRESH. Move to AWAKE. All out of AWAKE. Move to ZEN. And you saved it for last because you like it least. Ive never been one of those people that goes through the thing they like the least FIRST. Why would ANYONE do that? First of all, if its food...what if you get full of the boring thing? And then youre stuck all full and shit, and you dont have room for that ice cream. What if you die first? Im not being dramatic. These are things i contemplate. If I have one of those days where im feeling like something bad might happen, I read the end of the books im reading. I hate when people do things like that. But I do them anyway. GOD DANG IT. Will you please just go be that starving artist you long to be? Live on nothing. Open up that journal and be poetic. FINALLY. Suck it up and travel. Just fucking go. I cant wait. This summer. (I have the biggest grin on my face right now) Sometimes i genuinally think I dont like getting attached to things because I never want to have something to lose. I have nothing to lose. I guess my great great great friends, but I couldnt lose them if I tried. They're too great. Gosh..............I just know that the world has more to offer than the twelve pages I need to read for Geography, or the sixty channels of crummmmmy tv that I can watch whenever. Maybe I'll be the change I WANT TO see in the world. Maybe I'll thank myself for it. I dont regret grabbing anyones face or ever telling anyone they are beautiful. You never regret a thing like that.

marry me young- a long story about my night- dont read if you have ANYTHING else to do. But if you dont, be prepared for a blown mind

It was just one of those nights you never want to forget, never will. Last floor meeting, I'll miss the 8th floor of Chadbourne. "Guys, lets take a picture!!!" Okay, Vessalina. Lets get these 35 people out of this small room in less than twenty minutes and take a damn picture. Im twelve, no smile. Yet, my brain is grinning. I can feel Evan being torn between resting his chin on my head, or just ditching that pose to remain normal. Flash, and I can already imagine what our smiles look like. Smiles that define us, tell you everything we know. Evan looks like someone just handed him a plant that has recently went extinct and its his job to restore the entire species (?) (super happy). Andy looks like a playboy, these people on his arms are his hoes. Didnt ya know? Leah looks like she's posing for a high school sports picture, her mom is going to wear that smile on a button to every game she plays for the next year. Rachel has on her 'just saw Bella' smile. Sarah just found out she got in to the business school. And I...am being...an asshole.

Aaron strains his windblown eyes, and sensitive lungs (seriously, sensitive) to come visit me. We're not sit and chat while watching tv people. We're lets go walk on state and find a place to sit, random as fuck people. Cute boy, cuter when he puts on my glasses. We talk girls and boys. We return, more in love than ever.

Andy and Omar are waiting for me, cracking it. We head down state street to buy a portable device used to generate a flame. Walgreens is closed, I whine. Random man tells us a convenience store is at 503 State. Thanks, doll. You can trust people. Thats one thing Ive learned, you dont have to sit and be scared that everyone is trying to steal your grandmas purse or sexually abuse your grandpa. People are decent primates, most of the day. While we get the flame machine, Omar goes to Taco Bell. He finds a packet of HOT sauce that says 'Marry me?' Oui!

We walk to the lake. Past the terrace. Down lakeshore path. Park bench. Low to the ground. Sit. Hit. People. Leave. Instead, lets climb up this hill. We climb, and its hard work, but fun. Bench in the woods near the trail. I wish everyone could have seen that view; an end all wars, feed the children, lets all be lovers, type view. Moon shining off the lake, trees anything but in the way. We're just having so many little breakthroughs, realizations, learning life lessons. We're making 'Imagine' come to life with our silly, excited, peaceful words. We're spoiled, and now its known. Andy talks about his parents lives. They are average American citizens. A nurse and a post office man. Completely respectable, and we realize they must be in the top 1 percent of happiness in the world. We are sitting high up on this roundish little hill, and the moon is clear as day. I feel like we are giants sitting on the very edge of the earth, rolling and spinning with the Earth. Everything is still, understood, happy. The world is asleep and we decide when it wakes. I could talk about this for hours. Its what I love, my mind working so smoothly. And then we walk up the remaining steps, on to the sidewalk, cops. Oh shit. My heart is in my throat, normal for me, but still.

I get intense. I start talking about the cops and how they are just waiting there, that they will drive down by our dorms once we get closer. I keep going. Scenario after scenario. Words spill out of my mouth and my heart races. Andy just keeps rubbing my shoulder, Mellll. Melll. He says Im always making up these crazy scenarios, stories. I cant relax, because I believe it to be true. Andy then says something that makes my heart burst, he talks about how for the past 30 years this exact same scenario has played out. Kids scared that cops are going to follow them back to Chadbourne. Isnt that funny? We're not so different.

Room. Snacks. Bed. I love my life.

I'll tell myself, or the computer, which knew

I should stop talking about myself so much.
But what else do I know about?
Not that much.
I know now that I want to have kids someday.
I would be interested in the smallest things. Whether they like Pepsi or Coke? I used to like Diet Pepsi but now I just cant stand it. What tv shows would they like? Would it be hard to get them to brush their teeth? I used to wipe the paste all over my face and make mustaches with my brothers. Will they hate me when they become teenagers? Will they pick at their food? Will they beg for a puppy, color on the walls, throw grapes, feed the dog chocolate, dress themselves up, sing for me? And then i'll want them to be really great athletes. But I think i'll just want them to really love something. art. music. writing. acting. Im already scared that they wont Really love anything. That they'll just get a job, and never participate. I dont care if they're reallys shy and dye their hair black. Hopefully they wont get any tattoos and not tell me. I hope they trust me.

And then i'll tell them about me. Just like Im telling you now. They probably wont care. I didnt care when my parents told me about them. Its so boring. No one wants to be told. You want to find out on your own.

i'll give my children toy guns any day of the week. thank you

Every Monday in my physics 107 discussion we have to talk about one question that was assigned to us and then answer a silly question. I always get SO nervous right before I have to speak. It's ridiculous. My hands start sweating. Its hard to swallow. I yawn continuously, trying to calm myself down. I can feel my heart beat a weird little pattern. Making up a beat, teasing my brain for the silly fear I have. I start contemplating running out of the room. Saying I was sick. I look out the window and am beyond jealous of the sun. Outside free. And then I get pissed OFF at the sun for not having to sit in this FUCKING chair just waiting for my turn to speak. I hate it. I am one of those people that would willingly kick the bucket before speaking in public. I dont care. I hate it more than anything. BUT...then...I hear my name ("Melody") AND ......then....out of nowhere I hear my voice, so fucking confident, saying "I had the question on quantum physics about high temperature superconductors..." (Where the HELL is this bullshit coming from?) I literally sound like i got the peace prize for discovering this shit. Well congratulations, its over, see ya again next week when im close to dying of a heart attack ONCE AGAIN. Its funny how the sound of your own voice can calm you. I forget how much i trust it, until i hear it.

And then I have to answer the silly question about what my favorite toy was as a child. Bullshit. Its all fucking bullshit. My favorite toy was a plastic gun. No lie. My second favorite toy was my dictionary. I can still see it. I took it from my dads 4th grade classroom when I was in kindergarten. I couldnt read. My mom would come flip it so I wasnt 'reading' it upside down. but I didnt care. I always tried to read it upside down. And I had this little old desk from my dads old classroom. I would sit in the desk, 'read' my dictionary, and I always had the plastic gun sitting right next to the book. Whenever someone would try to interrupt me, I would pick up the gun and tell them to leave. This is not a joke. I would speak in a different voice, really gruff. And just pick up the gun. Point it at my little brother, or older brother, or my mom if she tried to flip the book. She would then tell me that she would take the dictionary away if I kept doing it. But then my chunky little blonde haired brother would come in..."Melbuddy. (pronounced Melbahdee)" and I would pick up that fucking gun and say "Git out" hahahahahaha. I also remember little Z calling me Melbuddy all the time. I would get so so so pissed, and then I finally freaked out once. I love it.

id rather be your cocoon

Wherever you are, whatever you do.
I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.
Wherever you go, wherever you are.
I watch your pretty life play out in pictures from afar.

Um so yeah. Im wanting to do things. Are you? Like what kind of things, you ask. Well, Id like to be taking pictures. But, my camera battery isnt here yet. Id like to be painting. But I dont have paint. Id like to be snuggling, but I dont have anyone to snuggle with. One word Ive decided that I love ........is........snuggle. Maybe moreso the expression 'snug as a bug in a rug'. I was climbing out of the shower, and I just wrapped my yellow towel around my head (like how those people from other countries wear those one long things....) and I thought of how you always see things like that on tv. or something. Parents giving kids a bath and just wrapping them in a towel. Snug as a bug in a rug. I always loved being really really confined. When my mom would tuck me in, I would seriously just scream to her 'mommmmm. mommm' she would come back in. "What Melody?" "Tuck me in more." hahahaha. Its comforting. Or Id have my dad roll me up in a blanket, and Id just lay in that cocoon and watch a movie. Im still like that. I have three pillows in my tiny bunk bed. I put one on each side of me. I think id be good at sleeping in bed with someone else. I mean...............permanently. I could get used to that.

i love you but ive chosen life

I asked Kinzee how her relationship with someone was going. Not a boy. Just a person. And she said, "they are just one of those 'whatever' people. just 'there'." Wouldnt that suck to know that someone felt that way about you? That you were just there. Complete apothy.

I saw this girl on state street. Ratty hair. Dirty face. Desperate. Holding a sign saying 'Send me home to Berkely' and then there was the classic heart with a peace sign in the center. It was sad. Its as if I realized that I could do that. I could just go out there and do whatever. But there is a line. And those people that are just "there" ...they never even get close to that line. Theyre not original, crazy, fun, spontaneous, bitchy, honest, or real. And then there are those that cross the line. Go too far. Come to Madison, and try to get back to Berkely. Well babe, I hate to break it to you...but Berkely aint what it once was. Maybe JC knew what he was talking about when he said he'd walk the line. And to stay on that wire, to only offend the right amount, and maintain a great personality at the same time. The people that are "whatever" dont let that come naturally. They try to hard. Care too much. Want too much. Its nice when you can let go, and let it come to you. Not care. Or maybe learn to care about the right things. The right things are what is important to you, not right to everyone. Thats when its right.

Bumblebees.
Butterflies.
Blueberry pancakes. (wheat ones)
Beer.
Best friends.
Books.
Boston red socks.
Beans.

15 min left in class. how many nice things can i think of........today

1) when you find something you think you've lost
2) when you realize what youre already buying is on sale.
3) when you get free breakfast on Bascom
4) waking up to texts
5) falling asleep to good music
6) anticipating summer. knowing youll never be let down.
7) when your TA gives you prompts for test essays so you dont have to study everything
8) cathy day
9) becoming friends with people in your classes
10) when gay boys speak in women studies class
11) when you see two ducks quacking together
12) alone time when its just needed
13) how everything 'goes by too fast' even when you can remember the worst times. its always too fast.
14) thinking change is a bad thing, and then realizing it isnt
15) when your professor of a class of 20 doesnt even recognize you. (it makes saying hi awkward)
16) teas on fridays. taking a whole box. thanks for the inspiration...sarah
17) when people text you so much that it becomes annoying. and then you have to slap yourself for being annoyed that someone cares so much
18) all the free food ive ever had. its ridiculous really. and it always tastes better.
19) planning things. but not telling people. in case you back out.
20) sitting in class and looking forward to the D. coke, coffee, tea, or cocktail you'll be having after class.
21) having two different great lives. its like standing on two legs. it feels so stable.
22) surviving first semester and being here now.
23) saylres crazy texts
24) how original kinzee is while never ever ever trying.
25) steep & brew mugs
26) my chucks
27) this hipster in front of me that dyed his hair blonde, and wears a bright orange hat.
28) when saylre sends me pictures of boys she likes to my school email
29) playing hangman with saylre over skype
30) jordyns apothetic skype face
31) most likely you. if youre reading this.

they'll have you suicidal. suicidal. when they say its over.

Lets keep in soft touch.
I love that expression.
Im having a great morning. My words are getting 'confused'. I was about to say - "Im having a great question." ??? Thats kinky. Um so heres whats on the dashboard--- 1) sorority row. (literally. I loved it. Im not even being sarcastic when I say that. But I loved it because it allowed me to be sarcastic.) 2) How happy we all are 3) college = 1/4 over 4) how great the song 'sunday morning' by maroon 5 is. 5) what ever happened to Maroon 5?

Things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do. And i would gladly hit the road, get up if I knew. That someday it would lead me back to you :) Great lyrics.

The thing is...Time. Everything is time. But if time isnt real? What is real? We are nothing. In the end, its nothing. Its so great to know that you will die soon. It frees you to live TODAY. I love it. Because I can remember yesterday, but yesterday is no longer real. Its just so nice to realize you can be selfish sometimes. Maybe thats all I am. Selfish. I love my life. I'll have those nights where I hate it, but in the end, Im not too proud to admit that I love it here. I think that sometimes people are too proud to be happy. They just cant allow themselves to be. Those people literally need therapists. I dont need a therapist. And some may think Im crazy. But I think they're CRAZY. Tarzan and Jane made it. Why cant we?

I really am inspired by weird things. John Lennon. I mean, its not weird, but I suppose its 'random'. Andy Warhol. So innovative. (bam. hit you with that word.) Lady Gaga. Glee. Kid Cudi. Jason Mraz. They are all extremely original. And I hate that I cant BE that way. I watch the pursuit of happiness music video and am filled with extreme jealousy and admiration that my fists clench. Its ridiculous. I need to do that. Be that.

Last night while extremely drunk I jumped (sprung) off the futon and claimed "I JUST REALIZED HOW HAPPY I AM" Isnt that beautiful? Just admit it, for a second I did something beautiful. I love that I said that. I love it even more that I cant remember it. I just have to trust that Rachel isnt lying. She wouldnt lie? Would she? Who would make that up?

People make up weird stuff.
People steal weird stuff.
People are weird stuff? hehe (kinzee johnson type hee hee.)

no. actually i dont want to dance.

Maybe the only thing that makes us unique is the little things that inspire us.
Clothing.
Words.
Signs.
Music.
Pictures.
Art.
Etc.,
Last night I was at a party. An okay/slightly uncomfortable party. Maybe I would have had fun there had I been in a different mindset. I just sulked, red cup in weak hand. Leaning against a stove. Ohhh did my five dollars pay for a meal you will place in this old fashioned bastard later this week? Great. Because Im just trying to keep you guys thriving. Make a lasagna on me. I'll drink six keystone keg cupped foam beers and call it even. Yeah hit me up the next time youre having a party, I'll surely come. I had a blast. Friend me on facebook. Lets even start doing our homework together. But oh, wait. You live so far away from central campus that it would take you 45 minutes just to walk to me, i'll come to you. Oh I didnt mean to make that face when you handed me your cup and told me to fill it up with 'wop'. Its just that...I didnt really WANT to stick my hand in to the sketchy tupperware container filled with koolaide. But, for you, sure anything doll. God, nice playlist. Who is playing the music around here? Its really making my foot tap, I cant even help it. Im being DRAWN to the dancefloor. I'll just go act like im waiting in line at the bathroom.

Back to what inspired me about this. I realized that a girl that lived on my floor last semester was there. And just knowing that made me feel awkward. I tell my friend, and he can tell im freezing up. He says to me, 'You were really lonely last semester? Werent you?' I dont know why. But that inspired every feeling written above. And I realize that yes indeed, I was lonely last semester. Ive known that obviously. But I havent FELT it since then, until last night. Its like hearing a really sad song that you havent heard in a long time. It takes you back, and once again breaks your heart.

i miss the days when cocaine was in Coke

I just remembered that time that Kinzee purposely pushed me while I was holding an ice cream cone. We planned it all out. I would fall, drop my ice cream on the floor of the IGA, and then we'd ditch so that Kelsey would have to clean it up. That always makes me laugh. You only have a small window of time in your life when you can get away with crap like that. Im pretty sure we were too old for such bitchy things, but we did it anyway.

Small windows. Youre only allowed to scream out eighth floor dorm windows when youre living in one. You can only get away with running over a mailbox with your dads car at a certain age. Im not too old for that stuff. Im not too old to for Disney songs and Im not too old to quote Holden Caulfield. Im not too old to take free stickers, put them on my shirt, move them around, let them lose their stick, and then put them on someones back. Im not too old to pass out with my clothes on, get up and wear them to class. Im not too old to write letters back home on paper napkins. Im not too old to draw pictures of strangers, doodle fish and flowers, play tic tac toe during class, and look at the clock every ten minutes waiting to go outside. Im definitely not too old for Wizards of Waverly Place, and Im not too old for ice cream as a meal. Im not too old to fuck things up. Im too young for some things though. Sometimes I still feel like a little kid, not ready for some things I put myself through. I like people that can protect my innocence. Thats what I like.

I just cant help but think that i'll live forever. Maybe that is helpful. I can enjoy the day, and not worry. If you live forever, there is no need to worry. I have nothing of importance to worry about anyway. A test? No way. A paper? Nooo. I always ask myself ------are you going to remember this in 5 years? Most likely not. But I think I'll remember sitting in a stair case doing something I can only get away with for a few years and WISHING TIME WOULD PAUSE. I wish I could hold the world and tell it everything will be okay. Its weird, but maybe it just needs comfort. This is stupid: But the night before I took my ACT I couldnt fall asleep because I was so anxious. Finally at 3 a.m. (fists balled up in anger) I started to cry because I was SO mad. I couldnt force myself to fall asleep, right before this 'important' day. So I go in to my mom and dads room, lay down on the foot of their bed and sleep. I love that. Im not too old for that.

never be ready

Sometimes the only solution is holliesquotes.
And sometimes the only solution is a sad song.
But sometimes the only solution is capsules of nyquil.
OH and sometimes you need the combination.
But if it gets worse than that. Youre screwed.
Its worse than that. Im screwed. Ive got it bad.
And its been this way for a little while.
But not like this. Im getting restless.
I used to get restless in Harmony.
I sometimes did some little stupid things.
No regrets. No worries. I'll let it go.
But this. I cant let go for the life of me.
And then there's you. And youre near.
I cant stand this. Its not what you think.
I cant stand it anymore. I need to act.
I dont like when things stay the same for long.
Thats so boring.
The cycle continues. A vicious cycle. Ughhhh.
I can figure out what is going on in that predictable head of yours in five minutes.
But something tells me it would take five years to figure out your heart.
Anything I throw at you, you throw it right back.
You tell me to shut up and make fun of me for "acting chill."
Youre better than anyone I know.
Who doesnt want to hear someone say that to them?
I can only think of one person.

i love you oh so well.

I get my loving on the run. Ooooh. I was just thinking about how great this summer will be. Its really ironic how even on the very best of days you spend thinking about the future. Sitting on the terrace, the sun turning my skin another shade of white, watching the ducks and little children (more so the little children.), and studying SOIL. But my mind drifts. (I can just picture my mind......a boat on the lake...its sail has tears everywhere...im sitting there stearing it...:)) Sarah says I dont make sense. That makes sense. I kind of understand why people enjoy relationships. I was just realizing that yesterday. Its nice having someone to make you happy in a way that you dont have to understand. They make you happy because they are simply there, being them. I like that. At first theres that anxiety: I need to make you laugh. I need to listen to your stories and pay attention. But ask questions. And then you get comfortable. You can just sit. I like smiling while sitting and not saying anything.

Sarah and I were walking down the street talking about how much we love Madison yesterday. Its important to like where you are. Its perfect here. Perfect to me. I love the lake. My job. My classes. My bunk bed and my view. My little runs on Lakeshore path. My parties. My Bascom sittings. My friends. Its so funny how things can just be owned. They become such a part of you and the vision you have of yourself.

If I were an object I would be a kite staying afloat on a day lacking wind.

Rule: You cant not be happy on a FRIDAY.

Things that have made me cry this week: my womens studies discussion (it was just sad), an intense holliesquote, a new song, pretty much everything. (including a car commercial. and a phone call with my mom. ---weirD)

But then I realized (as kinzee's mom put it when kinzee asked her about it and kinzee told me this story after I told her ive been oh so emotional lately) "its part of being a woman". Am I gonna wear that hat I got a month ago but have only worn twice because i JUST cant quite figure out which outfit it goes with today? yes, i fucking am. And you know what it goes with? A white t and jean shorts. Am I gonna wear tennis shoes? hell no. Im wearing flip flops. Is it kinda chilly out...maybe. FUCK YOU. I dont care. I just DONT care. FINALLY. Is this really only the first week back? Its been a long one. And Im so ready for the weekend. Isnt everyone? GOD. We're all such stars stuck between earth and the milky way. Um question? Do you want to change the world? I want to. You want to. CAN SOMEONE JUST TELL ME HOW. Thats why no one does anything..........no one knows what to do or how to do it. Find what makes you so A.D.D that you cant stop cracking your knuckles and a smile sticks on your fat face while you manage to blurt out your emotions on the subject? WHAT does it?!!! find that. I need to. Everyone needs to. Andy and I were have a little hand to hand (boy/girl heart2heart) last night. He kept saying how everyone at this school wants to make a difference. And I dont know if thats true, but maybe it is. The best parts of those people. (the rest of themselves can fuck the other bad parts). I want to write a book. Write a play. Write you a poem. Make you a movie. But I cant face your reaction. Dont you get it?!! Im a coward. I cant stand that you wont like what I say. I cant stand that you'll think im a fool. So I hide behind a computer. A pen. And then I sit, quiet. And I'll never know your reaction to what you read. Its comforting. I dont want to feel comfortable.

I want to feel on fire. And I cant stand this world this week. Its killing me. Its making me cry and its making me angry. BUT like dodgeball told us all :::::::Youve gotta get angry. Youve gotta get madddd. Sarah wants to make her mark. I love that, who says that?, I LOVE THAT. Rachel is seriously going to save the world, no questions asked. Laura will set you on fire, make you want everything out of life. Aaron is so passionate. Ughhh. So driven. Colleen could literally do anything she wanted, and she does, and she will. Evan is going to conserve every fricken plant out there and keep us in supply of oxygen. Andy will figure everything out. I know he will. He'll solve our problems. Aimee could inspire anyone, anywhere, anytime to be themself. No lie. I love it. I LOVE IT.

You cant not be happy, its Friday.

bitter. yet...sweet. (nahhh. just tart)

I honestly have beyond no idea what is occurring in my philosophy class. What the FUCK was I thinking? And honestly, what the fuck is free will? But If we're going there...then what the FUCK is knowledge, freedom etc (Gag me with something really gross. like sandpaper. ow.) Ive had this feeling a lot lately. And I cant really compare it to anything except finishing a book. Finishing a book always makes me feel weird. And Im pretty sure you can identify. (yayyy we can finally relate to eachother-----that took a long time) Its that happy completion, yet letdown. You feel so good about yourself because youre intellectualizing that crummy mind by doing something productive, expanding your vocabulary, and growing growing growing. (like a delicate little dandelion that some little 12 year old prick will ulitimately come and pick while saying 'mama had a baby and its head POPPED off' oh, well there goes your head. and if we're using this analogy we might as well use this in comparison to LIFE. oh what a shock. Life will completely mindfuck you. the end) Back to the book. So youre reading, and its hard at times. You set it down. You might pick it up in an hour, a day, a year, five years. There is really no telling. And some books you may never finish, good for you! The best book Ive ever read, I didnt finish. (Liar!!!!) Maybe finishing would have ruined it because endings always let me down. Except one. And now that I thought of it, it made me smile. Put a twinkle in my eye. My heart is back to its 18.9 year old self, no longer a 45 year old pessimist. That book would be THE GOD OF SMALL THINGS. And i'll tell you how it ended. With one word: Tomorrow.

Back to the book thing. You work so damn hard. Finally finish. And you want a medal. You want everyone to pat your back, hand you twenty dollars, and let you eat the last piece of cake (or meatloaf if youre in to that). But, NO ONE cares. (no. one.) Not your teacher, not your dog Bustit, not your boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, etc. And you dont understand why. You tell yourself you did it for yourself anyway, to grow, to ESCAPE. But youre looking for someone who can appreciate this win, this accomplishment. And once you find that person, you love them. You talk to them (about the book). Youre twins. Soulmates. Star crossed lovers. You adore them. And then you get over it. You read that book years ago anyway, that book is out of your life. You cant remember what great insight it gave you in to the meaning of life anyway, and nowadays you dont really give a fuck.

Except you do. Because books arent like movies. Books never leave your brain. You never forget if you have read a book. You can certainly forget if youve watched a movie, if you liked the movie. You never forget your opinion of a book.

Did i just contradict myself ten times while making myself in to a hypocrite, because I was trying to sound sophisticated? Maybe. I dont give a fuck. Im sick of philosophy. But I cant go back now. I'll go where I want to go. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be what I want to be. (cant go back now - the weepies)

I cant really say why everyone wants to be somewhere else. But in the end the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself.

because thats the way uh (H)uh uh Huh i like it

Drank on a Monday.
Skipped my Tuesday classes.
Nothing to do until 3:45 when i work.
Have a feeling that time will go by fast.
Flashback::::::::::::
9:00. Text from Evan::: Melody Diamond Olstad.
Im watching a movie. (taking woodstock....jealous)
I'll be over once its over.
Evan & Andys room.
Im feeling all 'beautiful' and 'loving' because of the movie.
We start to 'sip' wine.
I can feel the fleece blanket on my legs.
Leah comes over.
We hide our cups.
She comes again.
We dont hide.
Then I have to bring up............shots shots shots shots.
Whiskey.
Brandy? is that how you spell it.
Evan had these cherries that had been soaked in alcohol.
I ate some. He ate some. Ves ate some. Andy ate one.
We're getting fucked.
Shitttttttt.
We were watching Dogma.
We turned it off.
Vic came over.
He is a funny guy.
I took Evans keys at some point, i think i thought that they were mine.
I woke up on the opposite side of the bed.
No alarm.
Didnt go to class.
Why go?
I dont pay attention anyway.
Hehe.
I put on hats.
Rachel is cracking me up.
Popcorn is in my bed.
Thank God thats all thats in my bed.
Rachel and I are laughing.
Cant find my phone.
Go to Evans room.
Wine on my shirt.
Rachel thinks its tyedye
I know its not.
she knows its not.
we laugh.
Cant find my phone.
Evan is not in the room.
My phone is off. turned off. bye bye phone.
I see puke on the futon.
Andy puked from his bed on to the futon.
gross.
Ive started not remembering a lot lately.
its annoying.
it doesnt scare me.
it just annoys me.
my head annoys me with its annoying pound.
i think i'll go on a run and maybe think about calling my mom
i need to call her to tell her i lost my phone.
its okay.
dont you worry.
my contract is up.
im glad im here.
i missed it here.
i didnt miss it the first night.
but now i realized.
i like it here. i may love it here. but thats such a thing to say.
i like the way i smell when im here.
its true.
I have this really crazy dream that i want to tell you about.
i may tell you i dreamt it.
but that is going to be a lie.
i thought it all up one day in geography.
its my own WONDERLAND and i go there when im bored.
youre welcome to come with me sometime.

I guess its kinda Jewish though

Give me something to write about...
Race.
No, that bores me.
Cameras. Controversy. the SOUTH.

Okay...lets start with the big one. CAMERAS. Im obsessed with 'capturing'. 'flashing' 'stalking' 'recording' 'getttingoneveryonesnerves' My camera broke. (aka i stepped on it when the lens was out). That camera had been through thick and thin with me. Sand got in it in the Cayman Islands (xoxo). I recorded my best friend drunk in a dog house on that sweet sweet baby. And it still just WONT give up on me. It will still turn on, just to say 'oh hey, i remember you, ive watched you grow in to a lovely young woman'. (or thats what i pretend its saying) but the lens just wont come out of its closet. I just try to talk my baby through it -- you can do it, im here for you, i know your family will be upset, but i'll be there for you, i love you. (i havent been in a relationship for 7 years, i think i'll speak to my camera however i like thank you very much). But...regretfully, my friend Sarah is on ebay looking for another lover for me. Apparently i 'dont know how to online shop'. (ummm? k????) She is a nice loyal companion, like a poodle.

CONTROVERSY ::: I love it. I hate it. I want more. I want less. Wowwww i think controversy and i have a little sexual tension that we need to work out. Come over later? round 11. see you then. No but seriously, lets git it onn. i wanta make love. controversy. youre shaking my confidence babyyyy. I just love to rattle people up, fuck with their smooshy brains, make them quiver (hehehehe weird word, eh aimee?)

The SOUTH: Everythings bigger in Texas. Been there once. Came out looking like a tomato, people literally called me MeltheTomato. I have pale skin ASSHOLES. Went in to a day at the beach looking like the white of your eyes (or eggs), came out looking like your eyes on drugs (or eggs with ketchup? ew?)

Today was a nice day. I like this day.

hollie is boring me.

You dont need to know any of this, but I think the things people hold closest to them are the things they dont reveal, the things they are scared of losing. The things I think about the most are the things I never talk about. (which is scary when considering how much i talk --->my attempt at being silly tonight). I wish I could know what would later be considered an 'important' moment as it was happening. I know that ruins the whole idea of life (blah blah. blah.) but I would just like to be aware every once in a great while. The days that im literally an overdose of ecstasy are the days that seem like a blur. Nothing specific stands out to me. I see myself grinning while looking down at the world from my dorm window. I see myself laying on Bascom, getting off on the weather. But I never remember anything S P E C I F I C. I like/love/adore being happy. Who doesnt? (duh.) But I can slow time down and bottle it up when Im feeling nervous, scared, sad, sober, genuine. I wish I could get myself to feel that way, remember things that way, take life in that way on a normal basis. But I cant. I can only get that feeling from someone else. I think that you need to listen to A Wish by Gregory and the Hawk to understand what im trying to tell you. (or maybe throw me a rope by kt tunstall..............just a better suggestion)

Everything moves so fast. And this life, and first year of college, has been such a blur. Looking back I feel like ive only had one or two extremely slow motion/memorable moments this year. I sometimes kick myself for letting perfectly fine people slip away. Ill sit and blame myself for being too weird or boring or hard to handle. But its not supposed to be like that. Or I hope its not. Im so confused. And as my little man jack kerouac said..........i have nothing to offer the world except my own confusion.

what a crazzzy morning

Woke up this morning, thought I was feeling like P. Diddy, boy was I wrong. I yawn, pull my arms in the air, stretch out on my bed (best feeling ever.............almost), then start purposely twitching and laughing to myself. Pull open my shades (blinds...not sure) anyway, i look out and see ten of those really big work horses that the amish have. One is laying there.........dead. All bloody. Really really sick. I dont know what to do because im the only one home and its not like amish have phones. So I call the police. I dont want the amish to think I murdered their horse. So I get brought in to the station and I am questioned. They ask if ive ever shot a gun. (Yes, but it was scary..............aka fun). Then I have to be analyzed by a psychologist. This is all before 9:30. I was released to work. The amish didnt want any charges pressed because they dont believe in law enforcement.

























April fools ya fucker. If you believed that youre an idiot.

we are (?) the normal (?)

The little part on my nose that is just a tiny scar is stinging, i like that feeling. Because that feeling means Voldemort is back, and its sunny out! What could be a better combination? First of all - the entire final book of Harry Potter I was hoping Voldemort would make a great return (umm...then the books could never end. Amen.) AND the sun (sun. oh mr. golden sun....someone used to sing that all the time................annoyed the living red blood cells out of me) is always a good thing. I hate when people try to make me jealous of their life, or make me think ---oh that persons got it good. That entire statement makes me a hypocrite because im always gabbing about how great my life is. But im the only person who really tells the truth. So trust me when i say, nothings better than a cool lime drink in the sun at 2 on a wednesday while sitting at the golf course, wishing time would just stop. (time is not real................understand that.)

Now that my scar has cooled and my freckles have gone back in their caves like little albino bats, i'll get off this damn computer and get back to the sun. I hope youre reading this late at night, close to bed, because you shouldnt be wasting this day. Go listen to young and beautiful by carrie underwood, tell kinzee johnson happy birthday, have a cocktail, take a deep breath, enjoy this moment for this moment is your life (hahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahhahaaaaaa. but i stole this moment from you, so now its mine)

i can see matt lindstrom from the window

Going home for the weekend sucks.
Literally sucks.
Because its nothing like my actual life here.
Its hectic trying to jam everything in to two days, and life here is never busy.
Finally: a Monday in Harmony. Open the golf course at 10. Make that 11. Turn on the TV. Wash out some coolers and just daydream. I think I belong in a simple town because everything is just literally a daydream. I like that. I like that a lot.

Kinz and I went for a little walk around the perimeter of Harmony last night. Just chatting, enjoying the sunset, walking with a glass of wine (DAMN us for being so cute) Anyway - hahaha, my parents pull up. Hiiiiii. (oh hi) One thing that surprises me/fills my heart with warmth (is this what love feels like?) is that my little parents have finally accepted that im going to drink and do what i want. They have picked me up/not cared when others have brought me home/just 'enjoyed' my presence. such a nice change. My mom is actually funny. so is my grandma (but thats another story). Hahahaha. but she's still sort of cute in her own way. Really bratty. God love her.

Along with the rest of the fucking world, Im in the mood for summer (but who is more important.........me or the rest of the world? um....you decide) (i'll just assume you didnt pick me--fuck you. we could have been happy together.) Can I just give you one image -- Matt Lindstrom. Funniest fucker i know. (nicest guy i know as well.) Just working on a golf cart, getting the course ready for the season. IM IN HEAVEN. This is not a lie, working at the golf course gives me a greater sense of accomplishment and happiness than anything else ever does. I love it here. Its where i belong. (Fuck libraries, classrooms, parties (um i take that back. i am in my prime at parties as well) (hehehe) (evil laugh), family gatherings, hang out sessions, movie nights, fuck every other setting in the world.) I only feel natural working in a bar and sitting in the sun, knowing it will be hours before my next customer comes. And dedicating the money i make to my other passion: drinking. yeeeeeeeeeeehawwww. I want June. Almost as bad as I want an oriental cashew chicken salad from the village. kinzeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

my mom just made me toast while i blogged and drank coffee. yay.

The three texts I sent Laura last night said this::

1) A guy just sat by me, hit on me, and then he asked me if we were cousins (no joke. -- i told him we were)
2) i just realized that every single girl here is wearing an AE hoodie.
3) three out of four boys has chew in their mouthes.



Its good to be home. The thing thats weird is that I never found those things weird before.



Im now going to try to explain something that is so simple that it makes for a difficult explanation. In high school I always wanted to be somewhere I couldnt be (your bed), around people i couldnt be around (your mom), do things i couldnt do (you get the point--perv) etc. But in Madison I can do whatever I want, whenever. Its amazing. And now coming home, I have nothing to long for. I long to long. Desire to desire. (oh my gosh ridiculous i know ...so stupid) (or then again, maybe its completely normal.) (whenever i JUST realize something...i think im so unique, when im not). The best feeling ever is when you walk in to the C store, or wherever, and can pick and pop you want. (WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??!) I still feel so innocent about things like that. I can do WHATEVER i want now, that I miss those old feelings a little too. I know that i'll have to wait to do things, like travel, graduate, find a hunka hunka, steal a baby, run away, start a family, build an empire, create a reality tv show, and then get a divorce and be happy. (hehe) But I also know that I can do them whenever, and however I want.



Maybe that is why people do so little in their life. They think that they can do it whenever (afternoon delight), and never end up doing it (abstinence). When something holds you back (like parents/hs/a leash when you were 13 and in the mall with your mom/ lack of a condom) you take the first opportunity to be free of it. But when nothings holding you back, you have nothing to stop you, and its almost too easy. I never want to be like that. ick. yuck. call me an ambulance. no thanks. Thats one of my biggest fears (becoming old bitter regretful and boring). My other fears are :: 1) watching someone im in love with get married (im kind of getting over this fear because i realize there are SO many people out there) 2) friend/family dying---obviously. 3) going insane (i just think that would be a nuisance) 4) rachel being forced to eat a mushroom. i wouldnt want to watch that.

country music. amish. low maintenance gravel roads. Harmony water tower. :) happy spring break.

Sharpie in the eye. ahhhhh

Came out the door leading up to the stairs while I was getting mail. Turned around and we both just glanced. I stopped breathing. (Yeppp one foot in front of the other. there you go. you can do it....you were taught this 17 years ago. just WALK damnit) Keep moving. Right behind ya. Then. You forgot something. Youre gonna turn around. I stop. We both laugh. We both smile. Ahhhhh yep. Feels like I just drank a glass of lemonade on a really really hot day. (super super hot day people. and this day reference is a hint at how hotttt the walker was. or maybe they're the lemonade? i guess i'll take either.) AND THEN. It happens. First words of our future relationship. BEST WORDS EVER. "Sorry (smile) I didnt mean to stop you in your tracks." OH. MY. GOD. hahaha. I think i almost croaked. Im just waiting for the devil to come and make me a deal because i will not say no, respectively.

I cant contain it. Its offensive, explicit, random, and weird. Sex reminds me of eating spaghetti. I am wasted but im ready. Im going home today. I can say and do anything I want. I could grab the bottle of rum behind me and start chugging, my parents Seriously wouldnt even be surprised. Might as well. Whats stopping me? Why not? I love drinking in the morning. I love drinking period. The only thing i enjoyed about country fest was being able to wake up and have a beer. Whenever I get drunk i do this thing where i open a sharpie and then go up to people and make them look me in the eyes while i Almost touch it with them and trace it around their face. Its SO FUCKING STUPID. but i ALWAYS end up doing it. I think its so cool how you can pinpoint sensations. Who cares if im listening to our song by taylor swift? The country is calling me.


I LOVE YOU.

keep in soft touch (uh huh like that)

I promise this will be the most boring post ever. So proceed if you dare.

Go to youtube and listen to i got you by train. (this is me setting the mood) Okay. Now take off your shirt. Uh huh. Just like that.

My advisor asked me what one thing I would do to change the world if I could. (pause. awkward silence. why do all these cliche answers keep coming to me? fuck peace. fuck killing war. I want to be original. those things can wait. and then my lame answer came to me...) My answer bores even me, so i'll just tell you what I wish I would have said. And since ive thought about this answer more than my real answer, sooner or later I'll most likely THINK this is what i actually said. If I could do one thing it would be to make people happy. I know thats stupid, but its truly what I love to do. I guess everyone loves doing that, but it can consume me. I just wanna make your day. If im close to actually doing homework, i'll write someone a letter instead. If im about to go to the library, i'll stop and call a friend. I cant say no. I want to be there for you, i want to make you laugh, make you feel good, make you think youre beautiful, smart, creative, unique. And you are. Happy people spread it, they make other people happy, and it just keeps going and going.

Giggity giggity.

Im probably already in love with you if youre reading this. Its so easy. Aaron always tells me I get too attached to people. Certain people. And thats probably the case. I read this little quote that goes - 'i miss the strangers i was too afraid to talk to' I think everyone feels that way. And I try to not let that happen, try not to be afraid. What does it matter? What do you have to lose? Some people probably think im the most awkward person in the world because I talk to them. But why not? hahahahaaa.

Im sorry I just have to say one thing about Kinzee that always makes my day. We will both be COMPLETELY distracted when having a conversation. Our conversation isnt making any sense at all. So i'll say something like - 'okay...love you...cant wait to see you.' and she'll just laugh and be like - 'um nope not yet.' so we'll talk more. (about nothing) and then i'll try again - 'omg sis ...love you. CANT wait to see you.' (attempting to get off the line) and then she'll say--'haha nope im not ready yet. stop trying.' and then in two minutes she'll say - 'okay talk to you later. love you. night.' and just hang up. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. it fucking KILLS me.

and thats how you wrap people around your finger.

i told you to proceed if you dared. god love ya.

my left side brains

I can get so upset with myself. But then I just think - " youre making a decision right now, melody diamond, you can either be hateful or get over it and be happy." (the sad thing is......i actually do this) I just KNOW things like that are a choice. Anywho I took a high dive off the wagon last night and drunk dialed. (haha timid little awkward laugh) I think the reason it was put in my smooshy little brain is because one of my friends asked me if I had been doing that at all. And I replied all cocky -- oh my god. Im in College (I can just picture the frassy little way i said college --accentuating the c. and making it sound like colledge.) hahaha. little did i know. GOOFY. What can i say? Sometimes im just not ready for the party to be over. shame on me.
But then i just listened to a little song called hey soul sister, watched my video, and looked at this life in a different light.

OH MY GOD. Hotdogs. This is little rickity hotdog stand was just a booming last night at about midnight. A little man whose name i cant recall was telling his sad life story. Grew up in Chicago. Thats all i remember. Made the BEST hotdogs ever. Every amazing topping you can think of. It takes 21 days to form a habit. Thank GOD spring break is coming. Because I could easily become addicted to his weiners.

Tickity tock. clippity. clop.

I cant stop being tired today. I took a 'half' hour nap after class. I literally felt like i had taken two doses of LSD and rubbed them on my eyeballs. I would fall asleep and KNOW that I was dreaming. But my dreams were SO realistic, in my dreams I was right their on my futon, but there was always someone yelling at me. I would know it was a dream and say to myself, just sleep through it, sleep is more important than your fear. I would always wake myself up when it got too weird though. I felt like I was falling and couldnt stop spinning on my futon.

Crazy.

Its never felt like that before. Thats what I said.

God. I cant stop listening to A case of you by joni mitchell.

I think that tonight will be the night that I resist peer pressure for the first time since I was 14 and work on my english paper. But i cant make any promises. hahahahaha. i just refuse to promise such silly things. Never make promises, especially when you already know there is a chance you wont. I always give myself to like five people on saturdays and forget about all of them. Its so scary waking up saturday morning. I just stay in bed and then do my laundry. That way I dont disappoint anyone. I love doing homework in the laundry room. its the perfect amount of commotion, warmth, scent, atmosphere.

I think the reason I am so A.D.D. is because everyone is all crazed due to spring break. and when someone else is restless, that makes me ten times as restless.

phish food

You know when youre being super overdramatic. (but no one can tell) When I was little my horse bucked and I fell off. It looked like I could have hurt myself. But i just cried out of fear. hahahahahaha. silly parents, tricks are for kids. I just wanted a lil extra loving. I cant wait to have kids. Im gonna pay so much attention to them. Aaron and I were laying out on Bascom yesterday and I saw a lil someone someone that is kinda (oh my GOD) attractive. I stared. And then stared some more. (and after i did it i dont know what i did it for. i'll admit that ive been a little immature. sorry---you never know when a black eyed peas anthem will burst in your brain cells). Well in a non sexual way thats how im gonna treat my kids. I promise they will HATE me. No one wants that much attention. (except me)

Gosh. Little kids. I saw the funniest little chunk while yogging around the lake yesterday. I had one of those 'i feel like i was that age yesterday (just as chunky and funny) and i can just picture what i thought of older kids, its funny how life just goes by, oh my my my' moments. Had to smile and get a little choked up at that one. Just so we're clear: it takes absolutely NOTHING for me to get choked up. nothing. Any sort of song, quote, moment, car commercial, movie, sky, beauty, sadness, thought will make my throat close. But it takes a lot for me to cry. Break my leg and tell me you cant love me. that might bring a tear or two. that and the death of Buddy (RIP).

I cant stand the thought that if I have a little girl, I'll want to treat her like a little boy. Teach her how to sports, let her do whatever, buy her booze. etc. And if i have a little boy i'll treat him like a girl. Force him to be gay. Well, not exactly. But he will be metro for sure. They will both be little badgers <3 <3 <3 and little falcons <3 <3 <3

g g g (Gg) good life

Im feeling super ambitious today. stop laughing. youre hurting my feelings. and im extremely sensitive. One time someone told me - they were really good at acting like theyre happy when theyre not' WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?!??!! Um...get help. Buddy. (oh no. did i just accidentally use the name of my dog that DIED. yes i think i did. Buddy was a good boy. I was going to marry him. and thats how the first stages of beasteality starts, children) Yes i just looked up beasteality on urban dictionary. if you love me at all and dont want me to suffer any sort of mental disease or get arthritis you'll look it up.

-wasnt gonna drink last night. drank anyway. wound up getting jimmy johns at 230 (not shocked--i was w/ andy evan and chrissy--what do you expect?)
-got a little sidetracked when i saw BOX CITY going on and just so happened to be enthralled with a homeless woman named susan who did WAY too much acid and was telling me why God isnt real. love her.
-Didnt get back to my dorm til 33- (i did the little dash because im not gonna act like i know the exact time)
-black chapstick rules.
-oh shit. i just remembered that evan and i were pretending to models/porn stars last night. great. and silly me. i think i was telling everyone that i plan on being a porn star. someone told me that their was a corner right outside.
-Im wearing my little jacket that makes me look a)like michael jackson (rip) b) is still cool. even after that fact.
-I really AM going to write an English paper today. (who cares ...right? wrong. you care. youre reading this after all you dumb dumb weanie)
-the word weanie reminded me of the countless sexual references i was making last night. yeehaw.
-good life by onerepublic basically summarizes my good life.
-its scary how great my life feels right now. can it really ever get better????? i dont know. maybe when im older i'll want different things. actually, yes i will. obviously. i cant imagine myself ever being 33. weird.

***dont wear any form of shoes on APRIL 8th.

la la la la

Darkness. Pounding head. (bam. bam. bam.) I can hear an ANNOYING fucker yelling at his tv from a different floor. (goddamn march madness) I havent taken my socks off from last night. i havent given anything too much thought today. but one string of realizations was this:::::

after last night, my life will never be the same.
which reminded me that...........
-after my mom forbid me from eating cinnamon toast (butter on white bread w/ sugar---yum) my life was never the same. (okay. yeah i was getting a little chunky)
-after I read the bible my life was never the same (HAHAHAHA. yeah.............no that never happened)
-after I quit volleyball and went out for cross country. then quit softball and went out for track. my life was never the same. (i can just PICTURE when I told breanna fuckin gossman that I was quitting volleyball. we are at the preston pool. and we literally WENT there together. nope...didnt leave together)
-after I told BREANNA that i liked josh. she told him. and then he said 'ummm so yeahhh. breanna said you like me. so i was thinking we should go out' hahahahaha. (or something like that) i ran to my little PE class and could NOT calm down. i was so happy. :) it was our wrestling unit.
-after i listened to jack johnson for the first time (i will never ever ever ever admit to how i heard/discovered him for the first time......that would KILL me. literally.)
-after kinz & i invented the word 'scramble'. my life was never the same.
-after situations on the low maintenance road near my house. (life was Never the same)
-after I read the Fountainhead. life just wasnt the same.
-after I realized coffee, alcohol, tea, huffing Pam (ha.), and other things that go in through your mouth and out through your brain, make me feel silly, my life was never the same.
-After I went out for track and met SAYLRE. my life is just not the same. bringing up saylre made me think of something else too. some things stick. and some dont. ive met So many little hearts and brains but some are gone forever and saylre is not. weird. and pleasant.
-after my 10th grade year in bball. life was never similar.
-senior year? going to madison? meeting laura, rachel, leah, aaron, sarah, evan, andy, joe, vic, ves, aimee, mike (i swear to GOD we'll meet)............all good luck. my life just hasnt been the same.
-how could i not bring up kinz jon morg jord joshua (its so funny--if you Actually just let your brain flow.....its funny who will come to your mind and who wont.) life has never been the same.
-----------> last night :) :) :) my life will never be the same. i can feel it. i can feel it everywhere. except the little spot on my back i can never reach/itch.

everything will be fine.

Think of the three people in your life that you want to be around regardless of your mood. Well, think of any number, but I only have three. Its not that i DONT want to be around anyone today, because anyone would be fine. But I dont want to talk. I dont want to speak or judge or be judged. I dont want to impress or joke. I dont want to laugh, smile, cry, yell, or move. I just want to sit here. I cant find any deeper emotion than that. I think maybe I could, if i were looking at one of my superstars. To be a superstar you have to feel on a different level. Feel understood/understanding. I think the only song that matches my mood would be fire and rain by james taylor.

I just want to rest my weary little head on a superstars shoulder. God. I dont know what im saying. Im fucked up. (no...im not...its an inside joke.)

I was told I look like I have a lot of angst. maybe. Im not sure.

touch someone

Things I enjoy on days like today:::

1) Everything. Its annoying, obnoxious, most people cant stand to be around me, or they accuse me of being on crack. BUT its true. Everything fascinates me. Peoples judgemental looks as I glide down bascom (smiling creepily to myself), Kinzee's voice when she talks about SUMMER (I love when you can hear an emotion. EXCITEMENT.), making up weird nicknames for people like 'penisboy,' and being told that I look like HUCK FINN. :)

2) Kinzee. The thing is: I understand that only 5 to 10 people will read this blog EVER. I just enjoy doing it. (hahahaha- thats what she said) And if there is ONE person i KNOW will Never read this blog, its Kinzee Johnson. She literally will NEVER read it. I cant explain why I love love love this fact. Its not because I dont want her to, but I think I admire the fact that she can literally NOT care about things like this. If I knew of someone that had a blog, I would read it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. But she just doesnt care. I wish I could do that.

3) 3 minutes. SO many things can be done in 3 minutes. The best of all is being able to sprint from my dorm to the liquor store in that time. (7 minutes before it closed. BOO YA) You can listen to a song, make popcorn, touch someone, lather your body with lotion, boil water, clip coupons, stare out a window and feel insignificant, read 3 minutes worth of holliesquotes, touch someone, call your mom or call someone that thinks your creepy for 3 minutes straight, or touch someone.


Go touch someone.

come on. just try it.

Is it true that keeping busy makes time go by fast? NO. THATS FALSE. Whoever told you that is a LIAR. Doing nothing makes time FLY. I'll explain (for those of you hemmeroid boys that disagree).

Example One is SUMMER. What season could possibly go by faster? We do nothing. I sit at the golf course all day watching Vh1, sitting in the sun, sipping a cool drink (of water), and just taking it easy. While Winter (that buck tooth barbie bitch we all hate) lasts WAY too long. Winter also happens to be the busiest time of the year.

Example 2 is easy weeks versus hard weeks. I am in the middle of an 'easy week'. I only have one paper due next Friday, and then spring break. So what have I been doing? Ohhhh ya know, a whole lot of nothing. I havent done ONE thing, and I told myself I would 'work on my paper.' Riiiiight. I'll blame my lack of ambition on a 'need' to watch Pulp Fiction, or an appetite to 'work out' in this BEAUTIFUL weather. I even went to bed last night at 9 because I 'felt weak'. HAHAHA. I havent done anything in days, my body is just trying to force me in to work, BUT I WONT GIVE IN. I'll fight for my right to do nothing til the DEATH. I have never been so passionate about anything, the way I feel about nothing is more than anything I have ever experienced.

My lack of ambition is amazing. I havent even felt the desire to eat because I havent wanted to do anything other than just BE. Just do whatever the hell I want and avoid anything else. Just try it once.

uh uh. no you DIDnt.

You know when you really really like something or someone? But then they find out, or everyone finds out. Lets say you know of a really great band. This band is AMAZING. And then...one rainy day...one of their songs is on the radio. Now every dumb preteen bitch thinks that song needs to be their facebook status. This band is now all over MTV and everyone knows ONE of their songs. Just pisses you off. You want the credit, because after all, youre the one who discovered them. (Riiiiiiight. get over your bad self)

Anway. I once had a crush on this hipster boy who lives in my dorm. He was so mysterious (mainly because I had never talked to him), so dark and handsome (was). And then one day, my drunk friend saw him, and decided to tell him I haD a crush on him. All of a sudden, he seemed like such a prick. He was no longer charming (because he would just give me that little 'i know you like me' smile---ick), no longer mysterious (because I knew he knew and now he didnt know what I now know...which is that I didnt think what I had originally thought), and no longer stylish (because I looked at those over exaggerated attempt George Harrison looks with disgust) Shave that fucken mustache asshole, who are you trying to impress? Certainly not me because you think I already think youre cute, but I no longer think that.

Taylor Swift was cool before she touched every single little girls heart. Kanye West was cool before he apologized. James Cameron was cool until I saw his greasy locks. My physics TA was cool until HE FUCKED ME over on my last test. etc. etc.

Feelings change.

rehab for the poor

You can just see that little twinkle in everyones eye. That perverse happiness, turned on by the weather. These last few days have brought out that adoration one feels of a new crush. You cant stop thinking about it. You just stare out the window and desire to be out in it, surrounded by it. And once youre outside your heart pitterpatters (pitterpatter. pitterpatter.) with love. People are breaking out the flip flops, the bermuda shorts, the pale kids are busting out the sunscreen, the goths are pissed at the sun because they are hotter than ever in their black clothing, the jocks are wearing sport shorts, the kids with no sense of style try wearing sunglasses, and the real assholes are still wearing jeans and sweatshirts.

How the FUCK are we supposed to concentrate with weather like this? The lake it is a melting and the weather it is a changing. Stop feeling so damn guilty for listening to 'Unwritten' by Natasha Bedingfield while walking down Bascom and smiling to yourself like a fucking moron, its okay, everyone does it. Stop hating yourself for opening the window, screaming 'i love spring' at the top of your lungs, and being obnoxiously happy....its okay, everyone does it. Stop BEATING yourself up for giving up on finals two months early because you KNOW the weather will prevent you from focusing, its OKAY, everyone does it.

Put on that jack johnson and roll one because this weather will get you off those antidepressants winter forced you to become addicted to. TELL YOUR PARENTS. TELL YOUR FRIENDS. REHAB WONT BE NEEDED!!!! Get off those little pills, by just going outside. yeeehaw. now seriously. get off the computer. and go sit on a curb somewhere.

your life in a nutshell

bam wham slam. Midterms, afterwards finals. Summer. School. (three times over) Graduate school? Or will you start working? Youre either lonely or forced to think about marriage. Desperate to find someone. Unless youre unique and sleep around and/or dont want those strings. Kids. Work. Work. Work. Retire. This is your life. It sucks (for you). So please just dont.


Every human must feel this way at some point. Or every point.

I cant see a job ever satisfying any desire for me. Maybe it does for some people. Like Laura, who is in love with art. Im not like that. Im more in love with life, and all the day to day things that seem so unimportant. I cant stand studying, unless im alone, because when im with people...i need to be with them. Talking to them. Watching them. Listening to music. Watching things that make me laugh. Not reading boring things that i dont care about.

We're all so unique in our perspective. The other day one of my friends was talking about how high school was so hard, he worked so hard. And now he is still working so hard. He asked when it stops. I have never heard such a sad story.

This wasnt a funny post. Hahahahahaha. sorry.

syrup. nude. unknown.

I truly believe that ignorance is bliss. But I can never stand to be ignorant. (I mean.......who can???) Im not referring to blossoming intellectually, enlightening yourself, stimulating your egg of a brain. Im talking about those embarrassing little moments that you want to live down (you dumb Fuck, I cant believe you did that), IM talking about something you didnt know (and someone later told you ---much to your scarring/deteriorating/shattering ego).

For instance ---> Lets say your BAC is a little higher than normal. Lets just say "for instance" youve been 'consuming' or should I say...pounding liquid love. Lets just "imagine" that youre not your normal self, not up to par, not all there, not building Rome today, not on top of your game etc. etc. And for some weird reason you decide to kiss this random boy that lives in your dorm (this is seriously an imaginary situation ---please dont think its not). You wake up the next morning, feeling like a shooting star, youre dancing around in your underwear, making yourself some coffee, slapping yourself on the back for the great night you just put down. THEN you start talking to people. (Wasnt last night fun???) (oh yeah...remember when you made out with that guy??) (NOOO.) You feel fine. You dont mind. Its all gooood.

But then. You see him. And normally your pea sized brain wouldnt acknowledge his presence. He would not make you avoid looking certain directions (just in case he is looking your way at the same awkward moment). The point is this: if you had not been reminded that you had swapped spit with this stranger, you most likely wouldnt over think every possible awkward thing you Could do in his presence.

HAHAHAHAHA. so this morning i was licking my finger (syrup was on it...perv) and i made eye contact with him. (licking finger, eye contact, we both just laughed) :)

THE REAL STORY BEHIND ALL THIS is:::this morning i was standing naked outside the shower (yes, ive done this before) and someone walked by and looked at me. (CREEP) But i didnt have my contacts in so i dont know who saw me. But obviously they know. And they'll feel awkward around me. (they did stare after all---cant blame em) Point is...even though it would be more awkward for me to know who saw me, I WANT to know.

now thats a fucking tragedy

This post isnt about tragedies, so dont get so damn down on me now. A real tragedy occurs when someone doesnt enjoy something GREAT. (Something spunky, awesome, sassy, awkward, amazing, superb)

Great music. Doesnt it just piss you off when someone doesnt enjoy a song that you adore? (Dont you just wanna say - "now thats a fucking tragedy") A silly song that lets you get loose (sicko). A sad song that you can (or cant but still love) relate to. A rap song that makes you feel like you've shot someone on the block and then snorted crack while slapping your bitch. etc. etc.

The other day I was eating lunch with someone (i dont wanna name names .....rachel) and i was eating a cheeseburger. She told me that she didnt eat cheeseburgers. I told her that was a fucking tragedy.

But isnt it just GREAT when someone can let you enjoy something really simple. This morning I finished my midterms and I had to tell the first person I saw (which happened to be a random that I never speak to on my floor). She just smiled, and let me be. I walk in my room, and my sleepy little sassy roommate starts laughing, she had heard me in the hall. She just lets me dance and be silly for however long it takes, because not letting me enjoy that moment would have been a fucking tragedy.

If youre not enjoying this rainy, wet, damp, amazing day...then thats a fucking tragedy. Laura and I were discussing the happiness of a summer thunderstorm yesterday, and that is how this day feels to me. Juicy as hell. Listen to your jack, your john, or your JZ (hahaha thats how much rap means to me........fine.........jayZ) Acting like i didnt know, when i did know, would be a fucking tragedy.

Please dont be a fucking tragedy. or in the words of JZ - "GOT 99 problems, but a bitch aint one."

represenTATION

I think its funny how everything has to have a meaning, most everything. I recently got a lip piercing, and it means nothing to me, I just wanted it. But I didnt want any mixed connotations of what it means, so I was forced to google 'what piercings mean' (after getting the piercing...of course...Quite the afterthought). My favorite answers by google were - "no, but piercings can mean youre a slut." "Yes, they can reflect self expression or even honor something (someones life, death, struggle, or success)." HAHAHA. Im sorry - but if youre that desperate to define everything, youre crazy. I guess if youre going to get a tattoo of a big cross on your back saying 'GOD, youre the man.' ....Most people can guess the meaning behind that. If you feel that getting that tat will open heavens doors, more power to you. But I dont, and I think thats a trend that will look wrinkly and awkward at age 32.

Im not fond on meaning. I dont want to get trapped in something by representing it. I like wearing bandannas but im not in a gang, I cant play guitar but I found a pick on the laundry room floor...now i carry that in my pocket (occasionally), im not goth but I like my fingers black, i hate baseball but love the jerseys, Im not smart but I wear glasses (jokes on you---i am smart), etc. etc.

Good luck removing that dumb fucking tattoo you had to get. asshole.

Firsts.

Firsts are normally terrible experiences.

The End.

Joking.

The first time i punched someone, I re-deviated her septum. My bad. (It was supposed to be a joke....didnt go as planned). (None of this is going to turn sexual because that would be FAR too awkward for a blog ---> get the point?) My first college roommate.....yeah WOW. My brain hurts, and I get all awkward and annoyed just thinking about it. (No, I didnt put vodka in your water bottle.) I didnt even know/or talk to my first prom date. The first time I drank at Katie T's, I wound up in her brothers bed at 10 pm and the cops came. My brother's girlfriends brother had to drive me to my friend Kinzs. The first time I drove my dads car alone I rolled it (thank God im here blogging right now). The first time I drank and smoked I puked everywhere, which was on the first night I was an adult. ....this is getting terrible and slightly out of hand.

the thing is, i can now smile and reminisce about every single one of those things. and can also drive a car normally (sexual reference NOT intended...sicko), throw a killer right hook --to defend myself against crazy bitches, drink and smoke like a pro, manage my filthy slob of a college roommate (jokes), and had an amazing second prom date.

i love those awkward horrible moments. its gotten to the point where i enjoy them when they're occuring (to other people.)